The Things I Should Have Said
by hobbleit
Summary: Set during Seeason One; just more of Sam's thought's about Jess' death. Companion to Remember


**A/N: Kind of a companion piece to Remember. Just more of me writing emotional Sam :D. The lyrics and title are taken from The Things I should Have Said by Lindisfarne**

The Things I Should Have Said

I watched you burn and it shouldn't have happened. Maybe there could have been a way to save you if only you had known the truth about me. Maybe if I'd told you about what my family did and what we fought then you might still be alive.

_But the things I should have said that were whispering in my head would not be spoken._

But I was more concerned about being normal. I wanted so badly to get away from this life that my father had been so obsessed about that I never told you. He never understood why I wanted a normal life so bad. It just wasn't me; I never wanted to hunt ghosts or demons or anything else like that. But he was such an obsessed bastard some times that he couldn't see it. Would you have understood if I had told you about the things that go bump in the night? That the shadows in the night might not just be shadows but something more sinister. Would you have told me that you believed me or would you have laughed; called me crazy and told me to leave? It's so hard to know because I'm never going to get the chance to say all the things that were in my head.

I would like to think that you would have understood if I had told you. You were always so empathetic; it was one of the things that I loved about you. Maybe if I had told you and prepared you for what was out there then when it attacked you maybe there could have been a way for you to fight it off.

These thoughts go constantly through my mind. In my head I can save you. I can arrive home a few minutes earlier and catch the son of a bitch in the act; distract him somehow so you can get away. Or I can tell Dean that I won't go with him to find dad because hunting isn't my life anymore; that you are my whole world and I don't ever want to leave you.

_And the things I should have said that came rushing to my head no longer matter._

I wish I had done that. I wish I had told you more often how much you meant to me. I loved you and you knew that but there was so much more that I kept buried inside. For every 'I love you' there were a million more that I never said. I don't know why I never said them; maybe it was the way I was raised; being told that it was a sign of weakness. That was one thing about my old life I couldn't escape.

But the demons were another thing. Not just actual demons that want me dead; that I fight on an almost daily basis but the inner ones. I found out I could never truly escape my past. You were killed by the same demon who murdered my mother; bringing my past right back round to my present. Maybe I would have been easier if I had never tried to escape. If I hadn't chosen to leave and go to college I never would have met you. Then I never would have had to say goodbye. You would still be here; living your life and you would still be the amazing woman I knew you would always become. But instead you're gone and I am left with this empty hole inside me and so many things I should have told you but was too afraid.

Dean keeps telling me that it was not my fault; that I couldn't have stopped it even if I had tried but I know he's lying. There's always something I could have done but hindsight is twenty/twenty isn't it? You always realise what you should have done after the fact and that's what makes it all the more painful. Knowing how I could have saved you after it was too late.

I dream about you most nights; actually they're nightmares. I get to watch you die over and over again in my head; it's burned into my memory like you burned in the fire. I wake up and you're the first thing that I think of and when I go to sleep you're the last thing on my mind. Some things never change.

None of that matters any more though. I don't even know why I'm telling you all of this when you're not even here to hear what I have to say. It's not fair; why should I be the one who has to suffer? Why should I be the one who has to lose the people that I love? All I am left with are memories and this bitter feeling deep inside of me because I couldn't save you.

_And the things I should have said that I was keeping in my head have been forgotten._


End file.
